Democratic Talking Points

Speedy Gonzales--If you thought nothing could be faster than Alberto making up another lie, think again. Alberto is expected to soon receive "fast track" powers to enable states to carry out death sentences more quickly. The Dept. of Energy is now developing a plan to deal with the national blackouts expected to occur once Alberto gets his finger on the switches.

The Great Humpty Dumpty Mystery--Finally, we have the answer to the question of how the Humpty Dumpty Party lost the House and Senate in 2006. Who pushed Humpty off the wall? The Great Decider, George Bush, when he decided to announce Rumsfeld's resignation after Election Day instead of the day before. Thanks, George! We couldn't have done it without you. Anyone check Humpty for a pulse lately?

Ripken to the Rescue--Just when you thought American foreign policy was a total joke and couldn't get any funnier, Condi Rice has taken the State Dept. to Monty Python land. Cal Ripken is America's new international ambassador of sport, and Condi stated with a straight face, "I'll bet he'll find people who want to be Cal Ripken in Pakistan!" Right, Condi. Except in Pakistan they like using American heads for batting practice.

Family Values--Let's salute the family values Party and it legion of members who feel the need to spend more time with their families: Karl Rove, Dennis Hastert, Deborah Pryce, Rob Portman, Dan Bartlett, Sara Taylor, etc., etc. I'm sure it will be quality time, too--especially around the family room TV during the 2008 elections.

Family Values Deux--Rudy Giuliani would like to spend more time with his family, but he can't figure out which of his families he should spend time with. Should he spend time with the daughter from his second marriage who until recently belonged to Obama's Facebook group? Or should he spend more time with his son who has been quoted as saying he doesn't expect to campaign for his father? Rudy was quoted as saying, "Leave my family alone!" Rudy, you're the one who left your family alone, after you divorced wife #2 for bimbo wife #3.