Democratic Talking Points

The Iceman Cometh and the Iceman Taketh--FEMA bought too much ice in 2005 and has paid $2.5 million in storage fees to keep it from melting. Now, it's going to pay $3.4 million to melt the stuff. Why? Because ice actually has an expiration date, and FEMA said it has to "consider the health risks." Of course, FEMA didn't have any problem with housing 100,000 Katrina families in trailers contaminated with cancer-causing formaldehyde gas. As Elmer Fudd would say, "You gotta wuv those wacky, wascally, wepubwicans!"

Department of Homeland Insecurity--The DHS increased counterterrorism aid to DC and NY, but Michael Chertoff warned that this would jeopardize funding for smaller cities. Residents of Ottumwa, Iowa and Potosi, Missouri are reported to be losing sleep over the lack of DHS funding in their teeming metropolises. Simultaneously, Chertoff is trying to figure out how to read new radiation detectors. Last year he tried to sell Congress on spending a billion bucks on radiation monitors he said would detect uranium 95% of the time. Turns out they only detect uranium between 17% and 50% of the time. Funny, my radiation detector powered by the latest coin-flipping technology does even better.

Abbott & Costello meet Frankenstein--That's apparently the training film being used by the DHS to train guards on how to protect federal buildings from terrorist threats. It's been very successful to date--a number of federal buildings have been left unguarded due to the failure to pay private security guards their minimum wage salaries. Filming will soon begin on the training film for advanced DHS security classes--Osama bin Laden meets the Keystone Kops.

No Child Left Behind (except for healthcare)--President Bush objected on philosophical grounds to a bi-partisan Senate proposal to increase the number of low-income children covered by a federally-subsidized health insurance program. The Bush philosophy can best be summed up as "No Child's Coffin Left Behind."

The New Bush Prescription Plan--Stung by Democratic criticism regarding indigent children's health insurance, Bush has unveiled a new prescription drug plan--the Chinese Seafood Diet. Chinese fish has so many chemical contaminants that a daily helping of Chinese seafood can cure almost anything. And, just to make sure all Americans have an unlimited supply, the FDA is allowing Chinese labs to "certify" the safety of all Chinese seafood.