Democratic Talking Points

Looking for Love in all the Wrong Places--President Bush is inviting prominent historians, writers, academics and theologians to the White House to ask them existential questions like, "Why does the rest of the world seem to hate America?" Let's all help our President answer this question by shipping him mirrors by Express Mail. Don't worry about the mirrors breaking; we've already had our seven years of bad luck.

The Endangered Species Act--Almost as popular as earmarks for Republicans, are exemptions to the Endangered Species Act. The newest species to be added to the list is an elusive animal that leaves no tracks behind--the URPA (Unindicted Republican Political Appointees). Taking a page from the Republican environmental play book, Democrats are planning to make this particular species extinct in 2008.

Wild Bill Rides Again!--Eugene Hickok, a descendent of Wild Bill Hickok, has decided it's time to clean up Deadwood once again. But, this time it's that educational deadwood known as the No Child Left Behind Act. "Wild Gene" used to be a Bush enforcer at the Dept. of Education who cracked down on states that weren't complying with the No Child Left Behind Act. Now, he's cracking up and is urging Congress to revamp the legislation. Look for the "Republicans gone Wild" video at your nearest Walmart soon.

Another Tough Pill to Swallow--In an attempt to make Americans believe that Republicans actually value human health more than corporate health, the FDA is now requiring manufacturers of vitamins, herbal pills, and dietary supplements to test their products' ingredients to make sure they are free of impurities. Of course, the manufacturers will not have to prove whether their products work or are even safe. And, you thought all you had to worry about was the "made in China" label on their snake oils.

Ripley's Believe it or not!--In recent weeks we passed two Bush milestones--the anniversaries of two of his most famous quotes: "Major combat operations in Iraq have ended" and "Bring em on." To commemorate these immortal words, on July 4th our President compared the war in Iraq to the battles faced by the Continental Army during our Revolutionary War. The President still refuses to respond to the question of whether he is continuing to use his Magic Eight Ball for major policy decisions in Iraq.