Democratic Talking Points

Abstinence Makes the Heart Grow Fonder--President Bush has asked Congress to double the U.S. contribution toward the global AIDS crisis. That means twice as much money is going to be spent on abstinence education!!! Rumor has it that President Bush is soon going to unleash a new secret weapon to fight global AIDS along the lines of the Peace Corps--the Mohel Corps. Since it has been proven that circumcision drastically reduces the incidence of AIDS transmission, the President is looking into employing teams of Mohels--rabbis who are trained in ritual circumcision--to cut off the transmission of AIDS at the source.

Hotter than Hell--Mitt Romney's campaign is hotter than hell over the recent remarks of Florida evangelist Bill Keller. Keller warned his millions of cyberprayer warriors that "if you vote for Mitt Romney, you are voting for Satan." Keller believes a Morman president would "ultimately lead millions of souls to the eternal flames of hell." Mitt shouldn't be too upset by Keller's remarks. After all, Keller represents a minority view within the Republican Party--only 30% of all Republican voters have said they would never vote for a Mormon.

The Search for E.T.--As NASA continues its search for intelligent life on other planets, billions of earthlings have determined that there are no signs of intelligence within the brain of NASA's chief administrator, Michael Griffin. Griffin, a Bush appointee who admits that global warming is changing the Earth's climate, has stated he's not sure it's "a problem we must wrestle with." Even the White House's Flat Earth expert, Science Advisor John Marburger, had this to say about Griffin: "Nobody should think that he was speaking for anyone but himself."

OOPS--The Bush administration just discovered that it has no foreign policy. The White House now admits that the U.S. relationship with Russia has reached the crisis stage. The Great Decider has decided to personally solve the crisis by inviting Vladimir Putin to a family clambake in Kennebunkport in July. Expectations are high for Bush unveiling a new Democracy initiative for Russia called Clamnost.

FDA+EPA+NASA=RIP--The FDA and EPA have teamed together to recycle Perchlorate, a chemical used to make rocket fuel. The only problem is that the recycling occurs in our food and water. Over the past decade, Perchlorate levels have increased to perilous levels. To solve the problem, in 2005 the EPA lowered standards for Percholorate levels to allow levels of contamination 20 times higher than ever before. Recent FDA tests have shown that our food and water is now about to even exceed these lower EPA standards, but the FDA says it's nothing to worry about. After all, the EPA can always lower the standards again.